Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize