just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
