apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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