walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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