First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
