im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
