I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
