Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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