first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
