Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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