The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
He had one of those small greek statue penises
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
