like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I supernannyed him into submission
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
