I want to walk on stilts...naked
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
