A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
