Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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