so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
