did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
