Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
