my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Randomize
