Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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