We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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