but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
