my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
