dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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