Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
