i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Someone shattered a urinal.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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