that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
