Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
