Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
