Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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