I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize