She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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