I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
