Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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