Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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