Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
