you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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