Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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