I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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