Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
