I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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