I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
