Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
