I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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