fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
