if i can run in heels then i can drive
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
