I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
