so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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