During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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