I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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