When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
