Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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