shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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