My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
