I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
