I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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