im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
