Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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