Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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