Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Actions speak louder than pants.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize