I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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